...there's many things i cud not quite hide...

2005-06-25T15:05:00.000+08:00

hah! kk.. back from hell.. achieved wat i haf set out to.. and yes.. i AM a CLT.. it is tiring but hell its satisfying to noe... well anyway.. been busy catching up wif life out of prison.. hah! nahx.. kinda missed alot of stuffs while in the course.. ouh yar.. well.. i am shifting my blog.. so heres the new add.. www.mysenselessnothings.blogspot.com... yaya.. sounds girlish in a way.. but hell.. hahahakx.. kk.. changed my mail add to ermx.. kk.. theres two.. but the other one is offensive.. in a wae.. so i'll juz flash my official one.. nyjc28sc.yazid@gmail.com... k.. deres more things i'd lyk to say but i dun seem to haf the tym.. yet.. well anyway.. rizal.. if ur reading this.. i noe u wud.. and if u do.. since ur alreadi here might as well tag.. i noe u read my blog and all.. fer wat i dunt noe but tag if u insist reading.. fer my frens hu visit my blog often.. check out my oder blog aite.. that'll be ermx.. more.. ermx.. updated.. hah! kk.. till next tym.. at my new blog.. toodles..

p/s: aku tau kau baca.. dah dah.. gi tag..! dah baca alang2 tag ahx skali.. jgn malas.. hah! k k aku diam..

one more thing.. i wanna improve my malay language.. i dun care.. nanti aku bebual bangasawan nyer bahasa korang tolerate jer ehx..! hah! kk..

2005-06-11T12:12:00.000+08:00

arggx.. booked out last nyte.. kinda feeling sore all over.. booking in again on mondae.. the camp.. is well.. prestigious... abis.. serius.. torture.. mentally.. and physically.. its like ur trying ur best to keep urself awake but at the same tym complete the physical stuffs dats pretty demanding.. 11 pull ups b4 meals.. 30 push ups. jumping jacks.. 1.5km run at 5 plus in the morn.. juz before u haf ur breakfast which tastes like damp rubber.. i dun reli get to sms alot.. juz to people i feel i need to talk to.. some of u might noe that this is probably the worst tyms of my life.. and i'm goin thru hell at the same tym.. this is challenging fer me.. but i'll persevere i guess.. comin friday wud be my comissioning parade.. where two of the most important people in my life are supposed to dawn my rank fer me as they comission me as a cadet officer.. well.. my mom is definitely comin.. and yar.. the other spot was supposed to be fer her.. but then again.. its not possible now.. ermx.. so yar.. mebbe my mom will the onli one there since my dad wud be working.. haix.. i never knew that my Passing Out Parade wudnt be as happy an occasion as i thot it wud be..

but hell to everything ahx.. i noe some people read my blog fer i'm not sure wat reasons but yar.. they read my blog.. if ur a gud fren.. a fren.. or a frenly stranger.. i wudnt mind.. but but... ahx.. nvm.. please read my new blog people.. ouh yar.. my blog is where i express my feelings whether it is hard felt, anger or even dissapointments.. most entries dun make sense.. why..? becuz it is how i feel.. and my mind works in such a way that mathematical science does not exist.. i'd be truthful to myself.. i used to lyk azie.. i wudnt say i still am cuz i noe hu comes ard to read my blog.. not onlie azie.. but some oder people.. i wudnt wanna bitch abt.. but truth is... i'm happy fer her.. i mean.. hu wudnt want a rich.. handsome young.. macho.. frenly.. nice guy.. sociable boifren.. so i guess she's met her guy.. yar..

i cant visualize wat awaits me this mondae.. i guess its more of that torture i get fer the past week.. but i guess its alryte.. becuz at the end of this course i'll learn to be independent.. and i guess.. i'll grow maturer as i am feeing now.. and my nick is forever senseless... they mean nothing.. dates are juz how i rmb things... yar.. dun ask me why.. or how.. but yar.. dat is juz how i carry on wif life..

i saw u change..
the colour of ur eyes..
the persons thats inside..
and the length of ur hair..

but i guess its not enuf to say...
that i noe u fer real..
and that i'd care to potrey..
wateva u left behind..

so i wrote a song..
but i guess its one that'll soon be forgotten..
but deep inside it..
it holds a thousand silence..

so i strummed my guitar...
it never sounded so perfect..
but afta awhile..
i cud hear no sound at all..
as tho my guitar silenced fer a long while..
so i wondered why..
and soon i found tha answer..

my guitar felt the pain..
and so it broke its strings..
i can never change it and hope it sounded the same..
cuz it takes tym to make it right..
and nobody said it was easy..

hah! merepek.. k dah diam.. hah! dis will probably be the last entry.. yar.. and in camp.. i was bored so i wrote this.. it doesnt mean anything ouhkie.. juz that it keeps me awake.. i guess its easier said than done.. and i mean this in a gud way...

it says:
hah! i lost azie to a 19 year old rich guy. life sux..

i've got 15 pages worth of this.. so u now u noe how hard it is to stay awake.. hahakx..

2005-06-05T07:21:00.000+08:00

hah! well.. alot of 'interesting' stuffs happened to me fer the past few days.. well.. let me start off wif the [erformance.. i juz got back from jalan bahtera.. feeling extremely exhausted afta not being ble to sleep there.. yar.. so i went back hm.. changed and headed to meet my orchestra frens fer lunch.. mom dad and everyone else is overseas so i dun reli haf lunch at hm.. so fine.. yar.. went to meet them.. was like half hour late... yar... kinda feel bad abt it.. den we ate.. yup.. it was kinda ouhkie i guess.. so den we went to get some party stuffs b4 taking the bus 32 to PA.. the bus.. got into an accident.. yar.. but nvm.. its ouhkie.. everyone was fine.. den.. the bloody back gate was locked.. fuhx.. frustrated but still not so bad ahx.. reached chinatown.. did soundcheck.. distortion giving me problems.. arggx..!! pissed ahx.. but me and aman soon fixed it ahx.. somehow.. yar.. then came the pre-performance.. guess hu i saw.. hah! yar.. wif another guy.. thanx ahx.. that was wat i needed most at that tym ahx.. my day was bad enuf ahx.. thanx a million.. i'd lyk to say sorrie to those peeps i din reli talk to.. cuz i juz wanted to be alone fer awhile.. its ouhkie its alryte ahx..

thursday.. i was that close to not turning up.. becuz i hafta book in the next day.. but i ended up there.. at the orchestra.. had a mini party of some sort.. yar.. wateva.. and wen i stepped in to the studio.. i wanted so badly to leave the place at once.. she was there ahx.. fuck.! so i went in.. placed my bag at the rhythm side.. then left the room.. hah! din even take a glance ahx.. den wen they played the vids.. the moment the second vid starts... i left the room again.. this tym i had a chat wif my instructors outside of the studio.. i mean i felt petty in a way ahx.. but i din wanna see her face knowing that now she's attached to another guy.. i wudnt wanna mess ard wif someone gal ahx.. hah! so unethical.. sheesh.. that is so unlike me ahx.. i was quiet becuz i was tired.. i am aware of the things ard me ahx.. juz not bothered.. thats all.. den we left.. me fadillah and imran.. met fad or shud i say ira's fren... hah! den chilled fer awhile... b4 heading back hm worrying abt my booking in the next morn.. hah!

on the 4th... met up wif syarif zairian and a syndicate mate din.. yar.. den we sorta like chilled while trying hard to drill stuffs inside our heads... at starbux.. kinda kewl ahx.. den den.. hah! the climax of the day... went to meet someone.. hah! i mean.. yar... not a gal ahx.. a guy.. the guy i fucking hate sooo much... hah! tu pirate dah menyusahkan aku ngan din.. nak cakap worth it tak worth it sakx.. hah! takper ahx.. i knoe u knoe ahx.. understand understood.. tapikan.. i learnt a real valuable lesson ahx.. wen ur rich... u can get anything.. literally.. but wen ur like me.. u juz lose out.. i knoe i knoe.. life's a whore.. but face it ahx.. wateva it is.. i'm booking in tonyte.. if i un make it back.. hah! i dun fucken now wat to say ahx.. juz place my sword and my ceremonial cap on my coffin.. march me to my resting place.. and bury me wif smiles..

ouh ouh.. minds a rollercoaster now.. cuz i dun rmb the reason why.. i like her.. hah! pathetic.. but yar.. very well..

p/s: juz in case korang tak tau ahx.. nie first entry ader melayu.. hah! and fucking cupid doesnt haf a sense of direction.. hah! fail marksmanship fundamentals ahx nie.. hah!

49th all the wae.. i will prove to u that afta this course.. i'll be maturer than any 19 year olds put together... (#$#^$^%.. saper2 ble crack this sms aku.. hah! potentially matured zid-..

2005-05-25T15:55:00.000+08:00

ya ya... its ben centuries now since i last blogged.. i've got so many things to talk abt ahx.. but but.. i dun feel right these days.. yup... so basically.. life's the usual.. hanging out wif my kewlest frens.. the tyms spent at pasir ris park..! my kewlest peeps.. aaww... it was damn kewl altho everyone turned crappy in the morn cuz of lack of sleep... and everyone turned damn gay ahx at nyte.. bwahaha... so much noise... 5 big sized guys in a small 4 man tent.. bwahaha.. damn fun.. yar..we also went to the red house.. bwahaha.. yar.. damn kewl.. not so red ahx.. me zairian khairul farhan and sarip.. wif aloysius aaron they all.. very fun..!1 thrilling... woohoo.!! yar.. ouh well.. then the next tym.. went to pasir ris park.. wif oms people.. afta the meeting... yup.. then straight to sembawang beach to meet my family.. next day... we went to changi beach.. me and my cuzzin.. wif a fren ahx.. it was damn kewl.. sms-ed her.. yar.. talked fer a while b4 she said her prepaid was low.. den wen i reach hm.. i went online.. i swear i din see her ahx. serius..! she pm-ed me.. bwahaha.. yup.. and i'm not sombong.. but she's irritating.. bwahaha.. well yar.. so i guess i hafta call her instead of sms-ing ahx.. since she's got prepaid.. yup.. bwahaha... yup.. best.. went out wif my classmates.. went to esplanade.. chilled at the rooftop.. yup.. it was damn kewl.. the last few days b4 i go off.. muz enjoy myself ahx... ouh well.. yup.. wrote a lil something... here goes...

theres onli one person i knoe..
hu changes from being 14 to 15 and then to 16..
and that one person is the onli one hu knoes how to..
make me smile..
even wen she's being irritating..

i feel lyk a kid now..
wanting something i noe i can never haf...
lyk a car at the age of 7...
a violin at the age of 13..
a life at the age of 15..
and u at the age of 17...

but i guess theres nothing wrong if u want to dream..
it stays there and burns ur nytes away..
entertains u as u sleep pass those pink fairy flossy clouds..
but dissolves into the bright sunny sunshine..
i knew it wasnt gonna change..
it stays the same no matter how hard i tried..
i was stupid to believe..

all i ever ask fer was a nice gal..
but there b4 me stands a gal..
not that nice at all..
she was perfect..
and wen i asked fer something simple...
i got u..
but i new...
that it wasnt gonna be as simple as it seemed..

becuz behind every curtain lies a window..
behind every cloud lies a thunder..
behind every feeling theres theres bitterness..
they dun say sweet sadness...
and bitter happiness..
fer a reason...
and i'm staying to find out...
gonna move on now..
gonna give up...

dis is too much fer me..
dis is too great fer me..
letting go..
now..

*missing her badly*

2005-05-01T00:07:00.000+08:00

well.. i haf nothing much to say abt ytd today or tmr.. or the day after.. its been nice noeing everyone.. frens from skool.. fauzi, farhan, khairul, sarip, taufiq, hazlin, lydia, azila, yani, lyzma, khairuddin, nadia, frens.. and other fren.. frens from starbux hitomi, mel, shikin, tffany, shafiq, tengku, arief, ismail and a few others.. fara, hambali, Ling, hasyim, royston, murni, yanti, shahrome, vanessa, hui wen, ben josh and oders.. frens from college.. plenty.. truth is.. i;m not sure wat i'm going thru ryte now.. in fact.. i juz want this to end.. everything.. this.. that.. and everything else.. was walking back from the MI bazaar thing at tanglin mall.. back at khatib.. i looked up to the dark sky.. to see the same star.. that brightest one.. still shining.. the same way it has always been.. i noticed it onli a few months ago.. and it never fails tomake me smile.. u may think i;m nutx.. to actuali smile juz looking at the star.. but.. well.. i dunnoe.. i haf this affinity to this star i;m not sure why.. wateva it is.. as i was walking.. i wrote this pile of nonsense which is not worth reading but i will type it out anyway. so here goes..

eeven if i can never haf her..
i'm contented if i cud see her everyday..
its not all abt how kewl she is wif her frens...
but how swit and comfy she can be..
her soft and comforting voice compliments
her swit deary smile..
the swit aroma of her hair reminds me of an orchard full of daisies..

what is this i say...
of all i shall seek a mountain i cannot conquer..
a race i can never win..
a triumph i can never haf..
decisive i may be..
i knoe wat i seek..
but never shall i attain..
a triump over my greatest enemy..
reality...

i haf b4 me a sword and shield..
to fight this villain inside of me..
and as i pierce it thru my dead soul..
i shall shield u wif the shield i hold..
fer the blood that i shed is not worthy..
and that sword were the expressions and the words..
that u gave to me..
and i shall not ferget this..
not till my soul leaves me fer real..

well u must be laughing at me.. fer being such an emo-moron.. i noe i dun want to be like this.. in anyway.. but.. i dunnoe.. i seriusly dun.. i'm not sure why.. but i can never fight this reality.. i can never triumph.. i may sing the song that u sing.. do the things that u do.. believe in the things that u believe.. but i can never be the same person u want me to.. no matter how hard i try.. *blasting my ears shut wif real loud music trying to forget this*

2005-04-26T20:21:00.000+08:00

waHaHaKx.. fine.. i knoe..!! its been centuries since i last blogged in.. actuali its not becuz i'm busy or anything like dat.. juz that i haf nothing much to sae.. weird aint it.. i'm pretty much not the usual self whenever i'm alone.. like now.. i mean.. yar.. lydia..!! sheesh.. i knoe i promised and i said that well i;m not as emo as i was b4.. well.. i do that juz to show that i've moved on.. actuali.. there's so many things running thru my mind that i'm not sure where to look into.. in fact.. this has been the thing that distracts me from nonsensical emo-ish stuffs recently.. but i cant deny that this very minute.. i DUN feel emo.. but a lil depressed.. i mean.. fer once in my life.. please.. let something go my way.. but no no.. i am always the bad guy.. i am always the culprit.. the loser.. the jerk.. the suspended idiot.. the guy hu got wedged... the evrything..

Life sucks... if u read it backwards.. it still sucks.. wateva it is.. i am no freaking emo kid..!! and i;ve got a freaking life altho i;m not sure i haf much of it left.. and i've got the worst flu ever.. i feel so damn freaking sick.. i can barely open my eyes to read.. my head feels so freaking heavy.. and i haf difficulty breathing.. i might juz die.. wahahakx.. ouhkie.. thats too dramatic.. wahahakx.. well.. fer fun and laughter peace and joy.. i came up wif a reli kewl hobby... and i'm sure ur gonna enjoy this bit.. so here are the pictures that i took in skool during lectures, tutorials and so on... behind the scenes... the lecture theatre rather..

myself..

wahahakx.. so hope u enjoy this.. as much as i do..!! wahahakx.. till next tym.. in memories.. wahahakx.. ouhkie fine.. still am thinking of.. wahahakx.. take care peeps..!! woohoo..

2005-04-06T14:57:00.002+08:00

ErmX... finally.. afta the long wait... the tym has come.. yes yes.. i'm finally.. yes.. finally 17... well.. i feel pretty much the same reli.. not much diff btw 16 and 17.. but wat the heck.. i'm way older than some of u.. blueks.. :pPp... wahahakx.. ouh well.. todaes pretty much boring.. lectures.. the usual.. and yes... tmr is the start of the fixed timetable.. its not kewl at all lahx.. i finish skool at 5 plus every thurs... afta that i hafta rush to SMO fer prac... in my skool uni.. gawd... i'm gonna look soooo weird lahx.. ouh yar.. ermx.. well.. i got a few prezzies.. so thank u all.. ermx.. yar yar.. wait.. wishes.. ouh yar.. i'll type out the people hu wished me in sequence.. so here goes...

1) azie
2) jade
3) cuzin maja
4) Fida
5) Jin Rong

and a few oders.. too many to mention.. wahahakx.. cehx.. nak step popular jek.. but i seriusly appreciate u peeps remembering my bdae... yar.. a few oders.. ermx.. my seniors.. fazilah and ella.. and a fren.. mira.. yup.. ermx.. its onli half of my bdae.. yar.. ouh well.. ermx.. my bdae wish.. yar.. i almost forgot.. i didnt make a wish last year.. so i hope this year its gonna come true.. juz one wish.. cmon.. *wishwishwishwish*... well.. its never gonna come true i guess.. but wat the heck.. i'll juz make it anyway.. ouh yar.. i'm 17.. but someones forever 14.. yar.. wahahakx.. aper2 ahx ehx.. can't believe wat i juz saw.. can't believe its reli happening.. i saw it coming.. but i didnt dodge it.. i'm forever pathetic lahx.. probably thats wat my name means in some language.. hu noes.. ouhx ouhx.. u left a lasting impression.. and i wrote a real stupid poem.. wahahakx.. well guess this is it fer now.. will surely blog in pretty soon.. the onli place to destress.. ouh well.. ~ ~~~~ ~~~~.. wahahakx.. hmmmx.. tara*..

2005-04-06T14:57:00.001+08:00

2005-04-03T15:28:00.000+08:00

HeYx... my old blogs dead.. i deliberately deleted all the entries.. feelin gud abt it reli.. wahahakx.. its been a tiring but kewl weekend.. and pre weekend.. if there's anything like dat.. ermx.. let me start wif the 31st of march.. ermx.. went to SMO fer the usual practice.. and yes.. its reli kewl ahx.. like i dunnoe.. whaahakx.. ouh yar.. when i stepped out of the mrt... imran met his fren.. SMO frens ahx.. so i got to knoe a few of them.. a few to mention.. ermx.. mira, farhanah, shikin and azie.. yar... kewl bunch ahx.. den went back wif imran and azie.. walked hom wif azie since we stay near each other.. and i find her kewl ahx... like the whole bunch ahx.. now i haf more frens at SMO.. fiuh... relief.. wooohooo.. ouh yar.. this morn i heard abt this guy ahx.. he's pretty much ard my age.. and he's actually wif this gal ahx.. but their parents or at least one of their parents were against the relationship ahx.. so they decided to end their life together.. true story ahx.. yar.. and they went up to the 14th floor.. The guy jumped... but the gal.. she didnt dare to.. obviously the guy died ahx.. i mean.. its reli sweet and everything.. as in to die fer his love fer her and stuff.. but truth is.. its a freaking stupid thing to do ahx.. i mean.. i dunnoe.. they can always love each other even when they're not together.. stuffs like dat.,.. but to end ur life.. and to die.. thinking that ur gal is by ur side dying together... and when finally u die.. she's not there.. dats freaking wasted ahx.. wahahakx.. pretty sure that gal is gonna live a life full of regrets ahx.. she did not onli lose someone she love.. but she did not stop him from making her lose him.. and she did not die wif him as she promised.. i mean.. i;m not saying she shud die ahx.. juz that.. she cud haf stopped him rite.. sigh.. kids.. wahahakx.. i'm OLD lahx now.. but someone's forever 16... hmmx.. wahahakx.. living in her own world.. fairytale land... sheesh.. wahahakx.. well.. sappy stuff aint the trend anymore.. its a fad that died out.. wahahakx.. ermx.. i'm back to reality.. to the person i was b4.. so i guess my craze is back.. but fer now.. i need to rest... ermx.. be back pretty soon.. so long.. and i'll see u there..

a NeW beginNing..

2005-04-01T20:58:00.000+08:00

HeYs.... its not all abt this new blog.. its also abt everything.. my life.. my attitude.. and everything else tha comes wif it... the old entries aint reflected cuz it is all forgotten.. moving on.. a new chapter.. a new blog.. wateva lahx.. wateva it is.. i'm happier the way i am.. and i aint gonna brood abt those daes.. woohoo.. will blog in as soon as i finish doing the template.. woohoo..!!